Dr. John Gottman
Few are more authoritative when it comes to knowing what makes a relationship work than Dr. John Gottman. For decades, he has conducted some of the most influential research on relationship success and developed a method for predicting divorce with over 90% accuracy from a 15-minute discussion. From his research, he developed the Sound Relationship House Theory, which delineates the components of healthy relationships. To celebrate Valentine’s Day, we will focus on one of these components: Love Maps.
What Are Love Maps?
Although love maps sound a little racey, they are rated PG. They refer to the mental space your partner occupies in your mind. A love map is similar to a filing cabinet in which you keep all the information about your partner. This could be important dates like an anniversary or their birthday. It could also be memories such as where y’all met and happy or difficult moments they have been through. Well-built love maps also include knowledge of your partner’s dreams, fears, and preferences.
Love maps are an important part of healthy relationships as documented in Dr. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In it, he reported that couples who check in with each other and have detailed love maps have more resilient relationships. A robust love map allows for a friendship to form between the couple that can withstand life stressors.
Ways to Build Love Maps
There are many resources out there for building love maps. Dr. Gottman himself has a Love Map card deck available through an app and a physical deck. There are many free resources available online that I will link down below as well. It is a list of questions to get to know your partner better. On a date or during some one-on-one time you and your partner can take time discussing the questions to get to know each other better. The best gift for Valentine’s Day is an emotional connection with your partner!
How Couples Therapy Can Help
Sometimes, you and your partner drift apart. This is very common; Dr. Gottman found that 67% of couples experienced decreased relationship satisfaction after having kids. When the distance is too great to traverse through love map building alone, a therapist may be necessary. This is especially true when trust has been breached in the relationship. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have been trained to provide effective couples therapy to those seeking a renewed relationship.
Resources
More Info:
Building Strong Love Maps in Your Relationship | Relational Psych. (2024). Retrieved January 29, 2025, from https://www.relationalpsych.group/articles/building-strong-love-maps-in-your-relationship
Gottman Book:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (Second edition). Harmony Books.
Card Deck:
https://apps.apple.com/us/app/gottman-card-decks/id1292398843
Love Map Questions:
https://newpathcentre.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/build-love-maps-love-map-exercise.pdf