Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: Is It Right For Us?

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is a therapeutic approach commonly used in couples therapy. It is considered an evidence-based approach due to the large amount of research demonstrating its effectiveness. It is based on systems theory and attachment theory. In this article, I will discuss what Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is, what it looks like in session, and who it would be an appropriate client.

Systems Theory

Systems Theory is an approach to therapy that began in the 1950’s. It came about as therapists and psychiatrists began to find that the normal individual and group approaches did not translate well to working with families. It views individuals as part of a system just like a single tree can be viewed as part of a larger ecosystem. Key to a systemic understanding of families is that every person in a family affects and is affected by other members of the family. For example, many of us can recognize the feeling of tension, even if it is not expressed outwardly. This inward feeling is one demonstration of how we are affected by others. Additionally, you will now act differently as a response to the tension. In this way, you are affecting others in the family as well. This pattern of mutual interaction can be expanded from individual relationships, to families, to communities, etc. Many relationship issues are in part the result of these influences. 

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy uses systems theory to find patterns in how a couple interacts with each other. These patterns are driven by emotions such as fear, sadness, or anger. As these patterns repeat, couples can become more dependent on them and the patterns become more automatic and unconsciously performed. A trained Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist helps couples recognize patterns they are stuck in to help break the cycle and improve the relationship. 

Attachment Theory

John Bowlby first proposed attachment theory in 1969. It stresses the importance of early relationships in shaping how we relate to others as adults. Attachment theory identifies four attachment styles: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized. We will briefly explore each one.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment results from receiving appropriate emotional and physical care from a caregiver in the first 2 years of life. Those who are securely attached feel safe and trust easily in relationships. They are neither overly dependent on nor overly avoidant of relationships. A securely attached person can stay in healthy relationships and protect themselves or separate from unhealthy ones. 

Anxious Attachment

Anxious Attachment results from a positive view of others and a negative view of self. In a relationship, they are the ones to initiate conflict, yell, nag, and will often do anything to receive acknowledgment from their partner. They are one to initiate because a core fear they have is abandonment. Because they view themselves negatively, they become over-reliant on their partner. 

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant Attachment results from a positive view of self and a negative view of others. They see others as untrustworthy and are likely to sabotage relationships before they can be hurt or avoid relationships altogether. In conflictual situations, they are more likely to avoid, placate, or stonewall. Because they do not trust others they have difficulty trusting others and taking risks in relationships. It is not uncommon for avoidant and anxiously attached people to end up together because their insecurities feed off each other. 

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment is the result of trauma. It is a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment in that the person neither has a positive view of self nor others. For this reason, disorganized attachment manifests through behaviors found in anxious and avoidant attachment. They vacillate between overdependence and avoidance. 

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy uses attachment styles to better understand emotional patterns. Depending on their attachment style, a person will play different roles in conflict. For example, an anxiously attached person will often play the role of a “pursuer” while an avoidantly attached person often plays the role of “distancer. 

In Session

The beginning of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy involves the assessment of safety issues, the relationship, attachment styles, and other background information. It then proceeds to explore patterns of emotion so that the couple can recognize them. As the couple gains the ability to see the patterns, the patterns become less intense. The next step involves helping the couple to take risks of intimacy with each other by going deeper into their emotions. When these risks are taken, the partners can interact in new ways bringing healing into the relationship. 

The therapist takes the role of providing a secure base for each person to help them take risks. This is done through empathic understanding, reflection, intensifying emotion, and many other techniques. As partners take risks and the other person responds appropriately, trust and intimacy are built and the relationship is gradually repaired. It is not uncommon for couples to end Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy stronger than they have ever been in their relationship. The benefits often bleed out past the couple’s relationship as well because they begin to feel more secure and confident to take risks in other relationships as well. 

Who is appropriate for Emotionally Focused therapy?

Emotionally Focused Couples Counseling is a great approach for couples who want to develop trust and intimacy in their relationship. It has also been shown to be effective in repairing relationships broken by an affair. Many couples appreciate that Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy does not focus on blame or judgment, but on a deeper understanding of the patterns both partners have gotten stuck in. 

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is appropriate for any couple experiencing relationship difficulties except for those experiencing domestic abuse, child abuse, emotional abuse, or substance abuse. These issues make couples therapy unsafe and it is best to begin with individual therapy to resolve these issues. Both partners must be committed to healing the relationship for Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy to be effective. 

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I am trained to work with those experiencing relationship difficulties for both couples and families. I have been trained to use Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and I can help identify attachment styles and patterns of emotion. Don’t wait until it is too late. If you are dealing with conflict or distance in your relationship, begin your healing journey today!