What is a Reframe?
How we think about situations determines our ability to manage them successfully. When how we think about something is unhelpful, we can often find ourselves getting stuck. The reframe is a technique therapists use to help their clients think differently so they can approach a situation in a new and more effective way. In this article, I discuss a critical reframe to help address character flaws in children.
When you think of your child, do you think of adjectives like ungrateful, mean, or lazy? When parents think this way, it generally comes from a place of concern and anxiety. A child who becomes a lazy, mean, or ungrateful adult will run into many difficulties that any parent would want them to avoid. This concern often manifests itself through lecturing, calling out the behavior, and futurizing. All of which are typically ineffective.
Why Doesn’t it Work?
The reason they tend to be ineffective is because they are based on an inaccurate view of the situation. The assumption being made is that there is a character flaw in my child. There is something wrong with who they are. When behavior is seen as a character trait, it is almost impossible to change. If laziness or ingratitude is part of who they are, how can it be changed? It is a big ask to try to change someone’s personality.
Thinking Differently
This is where the reframe is so important. Instead of seeing the problem as a character trait of your child, you need to think of it as a behavior that can be learned. For example, when you start to think to yourself, “Man, you are so ungrateful!” when your teenager treats you like a chauffeur instead of their parent, reframe it as “My teenager needs help learning the skill, gratitude.” No one is perfectly grateful all the time; it is a skill to be learned just like hitting a golf ball or cooking. Seeing instances of ingratitude as a learning opportunity instead of a character flaw grants more flexibility in how you deal with it as a parent.
This applies to the other adjectives too. My child is not mean, they are just learning how to be kind. My child is not lazy, they are just learning how to be productive. A character trait is almost impossible to change. A skill can be practiced and learned. If you are like many parents and struggle with seeing character traits instead of skills start with noticing when this thinking happens. As you begin to become more aware of your thoughts, you can actively try to reframe them in that moment. As you begin to change how you think about situations, you can start reacting to them differently. The truth is, you are not a “critical parent”. You are simply a parent learning the skill of guiding children to become successful adults.
Behaving Differently
Thinking differently leads to behaving differently for both the parents and the kids. Seeing the problem accurately leads to more effective strategies for guiding children. It leads to less conflict, less distance, and more harmony in the family. In future articles, I will go over some of the techniques that are often helpful for parents. However, a technique will not be effective if the problem is not seen accurately. Even the perfect technique will fail with the wrong mentality. For this reason, just start practicing seeing your children differently. Don’t immediately worry about changing your behavior, but just try to notice how you see the situation and how it may be seen differently.
Family Therapy Can Help
It is hard to guide children to become respectful, grateful, and competent. There are many pitfalls and intergenerational baggage that need to be overcome. Having the help of a family therapist can transform your relationships with your kids and help them to be successful. Family therapy is not for parents who are failures, but parents who care and won’t give up on their kids. Why wait? Book today and begin your family’s journey towards renewed relationships.