When dealing with your teenager it is natural to wonder, “What should I do?” After being parented a particular way and parenting your kids a certain way for so long, it can be hard to imagine things can go any other way. In many ways, there is no one answer for what to do. Every family is different, and different things will work for different people. However, one thing that has helped many families I have worked with is KISS parenting.
In the business world, KISS means Keep It Simple Stupid. However, when it comes to parenting, KISS means Keep It Short and Sweet, although the concepts overlap. To be a good salesman, one has to know how to keep it simple stupid which involves knowing what is important to say and when to cease talking. Going on and on lessens the chance of a sale. Parenting is much the same way. The more you talk, the more likely you are to give in or inflame the conversation. This is why lecturing, talking in chapters, futurizing, problem-solving, and criticizing are on the do-not-do list. They all involve too much talking and lead to escalating the conversation.
Although it takes effort to get used to, KISS parenting can be a great relief. Keeping it short and sweet means you do not have to sit through arguments that never go anywhere. It means you spend less time fighting, begging, and threatening your child and more time on what matters to you. It means no longer having a relationship dominated by negativity and more room for positive interactions.
There are a few things to keep in mind to be successful at KISS parenting
- Stay on topic: Do not bring up past situations or express your worry for the future. Stay focused on the circumstances of the situation you are in. In a moment of high tension, you or your child will be tempted to bring up all sorts of irrelevant information. For example, if your child stayed out past curfew, don’t bring up past times they broke curfew. Don’t argue with your child about their friends’ curfew. These are irrelevant to the current situation.
- Listen when reasonable: A common parenting pitfall is the feeling of guilt, and teens will use this in the heat of the moment. It is easy to be put off balance by a teen yelling that you NEVER listen to them. You don’t want to be that kind of parent so you “listen” as they yell and scream at you with unending circular arguments. My fellow parents, that is no more listening than lemonade is yellow piss. If your teen is calm and staying on topic, listen. If they are yelling insults at you, throwing a fit, or being off-topic, take a time out until they are calm.
- Don’t try to convince: Another common pitfall is when parents feel the need to justify their consequences and have the full agreement of their teen. The fact is, even if your consequence is just, your teen may not like it. In fact, most of the time, they won’t. You don’t have to put yourself through the agony of trying to get them to see your point of view or that this is for their own good.
- Have clear consequences: Without clear consequences, there is a lot of room for negotiation and argument. Putting in work on the front end can help you keep it short and simple in the heat of the moment. Discuss with your teen the consequences they will face for a particular action beforehand. If they end up doing the behavior anyway you don’t have to yell, lecture, or even think hard. The matter is already settled. All you have to do is notify them of what they did and the consequence of the action and move on. No discussion is needed because y’all are already on the same page.
I wish parenting was as easy as reading an article on the internet. The truth is, there is a lot of nuance involved in navigating the parental role. It is not easy. For most parents, creating substantial change in their family cannot be done alone. It is important to have a professional in your corner to help you navigate the minefield. Don’t forget, the purpose of managing conflict is to have a positive relationship with your kid. They need you even if they don’t act like it! Find a family counselor today to take the first step to a more positive relationship with your child.
Resources:
Treating the Tough Adolescent; A Family-Based, Step-by-Step Guide. Scott P. Sells, PhD. , The Guilford Press, New York, N.Y. 1998.